Whistle While you Work

I go back to work on Monday.

I've been fortunate to be able to take 9 weeks off for maternity. When the 6 week mark hit I spent a lot of time thinking about how many of my fellow mommies had to return to work after just 6 weeks.  I could not imagine.   Not only were things only just starting to settle down with Kaylee at that time (barely a scheduled formed, breastfeeding just well established) but my body was still in serious recovery mode.  I mentioned that I rock at pregnancy right? Well it turns out that I don't rock at being not-pregnant.  I had troubles before my pregnancy began and now that my pregnancy is over a lot of health troubles have reappeared. Nothing serious mind you, but I just feel achy and sore and crampy and awful all the time.  (Lack of sleep doesn't help matters much).  By the way, is anybody out there a fan of IUDs? I don't need to hear horror stories, but it's something I'm considering.

So back to work.  It's a funny thing.  When Kaylee was still quiet a bit younger I had very little concerns when passing her over to friends and family to hold.  In fact, people have wandered off holding her, (close by of course), but I always surprised myself  to find that she was across the room and that I hadn't been watching her with eagle eyes.  For a while I thought this to mean I was going to be an ambivalent mother, and though I loved Kaylee I wouldn't have the commitment needed to raise her properly.  This is how I felt even after only 6 weeks.  While I would have been agonized to leave her at 6 weeks, I mostly dreaded the idea of going to work with life in such a rocky place, and with my health still just barely hanging on.  Terrible? Maybe.

Now that my return to work is in less than a week, I am finding that my attitude toward Kaylee has changed entirely.  Perhaps because things in life have settled quite a bit in the last 3 weeks, perhaps because Kaylee is actually showing that she likes spending time with me now, or perhaps because the truth of the situation is now upon me.   But I find at random moments during our play time together that I briefly imagine next week, when I will be at work, and somebody else will be playing with her- this thought flashes across my mind for a second- and my eyes well up with tears. She looks at my teary eyes and her expression changes. What's wrong mommy? Little does she know.  I hope she wont' be sad and confused or feel abandoned. I know thousands of moms have returned to work and churned out thousands of well adjusted, healthy babies/adults who still love their families and do not have attachment issues. But isn't it natural to be worried?

Kaylee never let me hold her much. Unless she was eating, she wanted to be with James, or swaddled and elsewhere. Lately, she seems to want me to hold her all the time. Which frankly, I don't mind. It is tiring, but I am getting all the cuddling in that she'll let me have because I have to leave her too soon.

I should be thankful that we have reliable, trusted sitters for Kaylee while we're working, but I have a feeling that this feeling of worry and regret of leaving and sadness to be missing so much will never go away entirely. So I guess I should just get used to these feelings and get on with it.